Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
welp
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation