Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away