Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.