Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.