Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1597653087732244480/pu/vid/576x1024/vbCCizkoGotYn6Ep.mp4?tag=14

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.