Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*