Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata