Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

hmmm

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

It’s a gift

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US