Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE