Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
You Might Also Like
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
