Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.