Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”