Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.