Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.