Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
happy mother’s day❤️
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers