Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes