Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”