Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.