Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?