just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
You Might Also Like
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Thinking about Jeff
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.