just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
You Might Also Like
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip