Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!