Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Money is the root of all wealth
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”