Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
