Just did a big green poo by a canal
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WHO DID THIS?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
He’s cranky this morning
