Just did a big green poo by a canal
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car