Just did a big green poo by a canal
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct