Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.