Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.