Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together


October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.


Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.


If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.


1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats


ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this


Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*


I still believe in love.

But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery.

So there’s that….