@One_FineMess

Just did a spot on imitation of a new born calf while trying to gracefully exit a hammock.

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@JediGigi

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

@TheDairylandDon

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

@sixthformpoet

If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.

@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@lazerdoov

1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

@AristotlesNZ

Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*

@jodi_georg2

I still believe in love.

But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery.

So there’s that….