Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT