lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP