Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
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[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.