Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!