Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

This could be us… but you playing

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”