Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

i smell a pulitzer

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate