Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.