Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.