Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.