Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down