Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
when she block me on everything
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic