Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.