Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own