Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
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　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
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　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
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