Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

I think the cat got the dog high.

British people

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down