Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My inexpensive home security system…
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.