Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
A Short Story.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair