just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
According to math, I’m broke
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
This is a sub tweet
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
why I oughta
