Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

bought wrong eggs

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.