Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.