just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I am never leaving this website
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.