Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

These work great until they don’t.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Storm Tropical Storm

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

The game has officially changed 😎

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”