just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
R.I.P.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
🖤✌🏽
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
there’s probably a fee though
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.