just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
You Might Also Like
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!