Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ran a .003048K

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

I hate everything

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA