just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
opening twitter today
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Breaking news:
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.