‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
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Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball