‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“We will wed,” I threatened
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.