Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Spell check is for lasers.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos