Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”