Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
WTF IS THAT!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Finally! 😈
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.