Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I used the label maker
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.