Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Hard not to take this personally
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.