Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.