“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball