Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

nobody’s gonna understand

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”