Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Lmbo

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

ok this is my dumbest yet

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

man i love columbo

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.