Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Meanwhile in Canada…
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
certified hallow’s eve classic
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady