Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.