I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
You Might Also Like
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
this FaceApp is creepy af
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A little too much information.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.