just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
They’re not wrong
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.