just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.