just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
how it started vs how it ended
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
