Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying