Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂