Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

BaD BoY!!

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur