Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*