Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?
Jill: It was a riot.
Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars