Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
dude it’s called proctologist
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.