Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

My first child will be named New Folder.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?